If you haven't already noticed, this is a story about you and me.
Broken and unworthy; defined by life. Pursued by a Redeemer. You long for Him, yet hide yourself. He continues to pursue, yet waits to be chosen. Shifting shadows of fear linger. Never leaving you, He steps back to give you space to realize that His love is bigger than any obstacle in the way. Despite any remaining fear, you choose to go away with Him. He plants His seeds into your weaknesses and His strength grows out of them. Bearing His fruit, you're His and ready to be used.
Yet, in the comfort and security of His love, your devotion begins to slumber. He knocks on the door of your heart and pleads with you to go deeper still. Solid Rock foundations withstand the storms of life; the deeper your relationship, the stronger your foundation becomes. But you hesitate, as does the young woman who asks, "Isn't that enough?" When she finally opens the door to her soul, suddenly He's gone and she rushes out to find Him
The guards found me and struck and wounded me. The watchman on the wall tore off my veil. I adjure you, O women of Jerusalem, if you find my beloved one, tell him that I am sick with love.” Songs 5:7-8 TLB
As she searches for her Beloved in the dark of the night, she's mistaken and misjudged, beaten and bruised by the very ones who are supposed to protect her. It's unusual for a woman to be out alone at night, so the overseers make an assumption that she couldn't possibly be His bride. Because she didn't fit their narrative, they treat her as unworthy. I think we've all experienced a crushing of our spirit in some way. For me, God has brought a specific picture to mind.
Chronic illness makes people extremely uncomfortable. Those around me truly don't know what to do, and even more, what to say. Insomnia for ten years doesn't fit their narrative. It must be something I'm doing; or maybe not doing.
I've been encouraged to try harder—to not try so hard—to pray for some specific sin to be exposed—or oppression to be lifted. It's been suggested that my health issues may be a result of the fear I wrestle with—but the most crushing of all is the indication that I don't have enough faith. I have definitely felt the sting that the woman describes in her dream.
The truth is, I realize as I write this through tired watery eyes, that with just one touch of His finger, God could render me sweet sleep. I'm not sure why He chooses not to. Some days that makes me angry; other days sad. But believe it or not I do have joy filled days. I will not walk away; who else would I go to? He has the words that give life that lasts forever. Maybe my issues are because of something I'm doing or maybe not doing, but His eyes are always on me, guiding me to wherever and whatever He chooses.
Our view is limited; His view is complete.
“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it." Matthew 13:45-46 NKJV
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