REFINER

The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you” Psalm 32:8

What happens when the “best pathway” seems as if it’s anything but His best?

One day you’re walking along, enjoying the beauty around you when suddenly the pathway begins to feel like mountain climbing. And the mountain starts to crumble leaving piles of rocks in your path.

Let me explain—

First of all, only a God, who truly knit me together, could know that I, a single independent woman who never wanted children, would find her sense of belonging in the chaos of a family of five. A couple of years ago, God blessed me with my husband and three children. My family.

Shortly after we were married, Jeff told me that I woke up in the middle of the night gasping for air. When he asked me what was wrong I told him that I heard God say that He was going to take everything away from me. Although I do remember a feeling of panic and a brief question of ‘You just gave me my family, would you really take them away so quickly’ sweeping across my mind, I woke up the next morning not remembering a thing. (I’m sure my mind blocked it thinking if I forget it, maybe it won’t happen).

Well, if you know God, you know that by me blocking it didn’t change the fact that He was after something in me that I couldn’t learn any other way.  Although the flesh part of me would love to be able to learn through knowledge as the “world” learns, God knows our deepest understanding comes from Him. Though He thankfully did not take away the people I love, He did take, one by one, the things I depended on for many years. What I call my securities and comforts.

 Here is a brief synopsis of the last year of our lives—

 A little more than a year ago this new bonus mom of three began to suffer with insomnia, along with other recurring health issues. We have been to several doctors and I have tried many medications, none of which have helped. I have been tested, poked, analyzed, researched and given more advice than I could ever use in a lifetime.

In addition to children living between two households, we have also (so far) survived rebellious teen issues.  I lost my job of 10 years due to the company closing, leaving me unemployed for the first time in my life. I get out of bed each morning without a place to go, which is foreign to me. Even simple comforts have been stripped away.  For example our new home has windows everywhere and the brightness is, well let’s just say, an adjustment!

And did I mention that I’ve been known as the “ducks in a row chick?” And my ducks are hardly in a row!!

I call this the season of my life ‘the season that God is stripping me of me.’ It has been, to say the least, a very difficult year. God has not yet delivered me from the physical pain, but at the risk of sounding cliche I am grateful to have this uninterrupted time with Him.

Through this, I have become dependent solely and completely on the Lover of my soul. I believe learning to depend on Him is one of the reasons for THIS season of my life. We have traveled together through miles of rocky road, sudden hills and dips, and He has never let go of my hand.

As hard as this past year has been, God has shown me that without this traveled road I would have never experienced the peace of Jesus so deeply. I learned that only on this road, in this valley, would He be able to give me this new found knowledge of who He is. He is after my whole heart and He longs to be my first love. Because of what I have gained here, I would not change this road for a road less traveled.

Unfortunately, another thing I have learned in this valley is that pain is the way of refining. Now hear me, I am not by any stretch of the imagination a person who easily deals with physical pain, nor am I this spiritual wonder woman. I have asked on many occasions, even pleaded with Him to tell me when I will learn all there is to learn here so I can experience sleep again. But I am still here, in this valley, and here is where He is teaching me and loving me in ways I’ve not experienced before.

For most people and I am one of them, avoiding pain is natural.  But I am here to tell you that refining eventually comes. Embrace it! I promise you that on the other side of the refining process God will show you things about Himself that will blow your mind.

Trust that God knows what He is doing. Trust that He loves you more than you can imagine love is. Trust that He is taking you to a new level in your relationship with Him. Trust in Him and know that the Joy of the Lord is your strength.