The Valley Revisited

THE VALLEY Re-release

I would have released a new blog post this day, however, it just was not possible as I've had an extremely difficult week in my health journey. As I was reading some notes this morning, God in His mercy, led me to a previous blog that I had written a few years ago. He used it to bless me today and I hope if you are led to read it, He will use it to bless you as well. Also, if you have read my blog over the last several months, you'll notice that the verses from the book of Acts below have been growing in my heart, as God has led me there over and over again ~Jena

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Here in the valley, I fight fear and loneliness. As I am writing this my first thought is Jesus is with me and so are the people who love me. But in the middle of eight years of chronic illness and insomnia, countless doctors without answers, and feeling like a prisoner in my own body who is many times chained to my house, the battle is real and some days I lose miserably.

And in this valley, in the middle of these eight years, I saw firsthand what disease can do. I walked alongside my friend watching as cancer first claimed her body, then her life. As I saw her take her last breath and imagined her slipping into the arms of Jesus where she is whole and free of the disease that tormented her, my emotions spread far and wide. I had relief and joy for her, but a deep numbing sadness filled me, and a new fear began. A lingering fear that took root a tiny bit each week while sitting in a chemo unit. A fear I stuffed and ignored.

Fear, a thorn I can’t seem to escape. As my health declines, I’m finding it more difficult to focus my eyes on God. I fight old feelings of abandonment that cause me to question my faith. These days I feel more faithless than faithful.

I know the truth. I know that God has never left me, but my heart wrestles. I know that in the struggle, God is bringing me into a deeper relationship with Him, a new level of knowing Him and trusting Him and leaning on Him, but my heart wrestles. I know that my life struggles expose my secondary desires for healing, for haunting memories to fade, for courage to trample fear, but still my heart wrestles. It wrestles because I also know that my core desire is for God and my pain stems from the wrestle in my heart.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. 1 John 4:18

God is perfect. God is love. And there is no fear in love because perfect love casts out fear. And the one who fears (me) is not perfected in love. But God says, I have this love, this perfect love. But the valley of fear and loneliness expose my doubt and unbelief. And doubt and unbelief expose my fear and my fear exposes the lesser desires I seek instead of seeking the God who loves me with a perfect love.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33

So today, while still in the valley, a friend suggested I look back and remember the times I’ve seen the Hand of God on me. As I write them down and read aloud, I pray they help me gain new hope to fly high on wings like eagles. And maybe, just maybe, He’ll send a gentle wind to help me fly right out of this place!

In the meantime, as hard of a prayer as this is to pray, I want to learn all there is to learn here. How sad it would be for this time to be wasted on only fleshly desires.

“He is the God who made the world and everything in it. Since he is Lord of heaven and earth, he doesn’t live in man-made temples, and human hands can’t serve his needs—for he has no needs. He himself gives life and breath to everything, and he satisfies every need. From one man he created all the nations throughout the whole earth. He decided beforehand when they should rise and fall, and he determined their boundaries.

For in him we live and move and exist. As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’ Acts 17:24-26,28

Are you in your own valley today? I pray encouragement finds you there and remembering the Hand of God on your life helps you to fly. Father, I’ve asked many times for healing and deliverance from this valley. And my flesh believes that that is my deepest desire. But my spirit knows that my deepest desire is You. You put that desire in all of us. Help us to know, especially in and through the valleys of life, that Your love is real no matter what our eyes may see. We can’t do it without you. Please help our unbelief.